Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.

Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.

Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.

*swipes right by accident*

Him: You’re not really my type.

Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.

Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine

Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.

*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”

All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.

I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?

I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.

I’m still very hungry.

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.

thinking about this

IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE

[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”

Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy

Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus

A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”

Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?

Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?

Her:

Me: I’ll be the thimble.

*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*

I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly

“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.

Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.

Does this dress make me look cat?

At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am

“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”

BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!

the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO

SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two

TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!

BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??

I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.

You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet