That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.
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I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
For those that worship cheese..
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.