That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.
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Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips