That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.
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All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”