Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.

I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.

My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.

[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast

ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?

My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move

– a parenting memoir

I’m all for the scientific method.

Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.

First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”

mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.

interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?

me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest

We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no

the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them

To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.

The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.

The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…

-stalker’s

watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.

I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes

This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.

Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato

A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.

You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!

My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.

At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.

Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult

Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.