Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2

*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*

Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”

Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m

Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.

After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.

People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle

One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”

Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer

Cop: Please get out of the vehicle

So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?

[CRIME SCENE]

COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!

PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*

Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.

dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn

I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…

I never knew those were synonyms.

WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.

when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there

i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end

Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.

[god creating sharks]

angel: what is this?

god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense

she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”

uh you pretty much described my fantasy

My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”

Husband: You want to have sex?

Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.

Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.

Me:

[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?

The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans

Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.

Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.

british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely

american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east

Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-

Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*