Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids

According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.

*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*

“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.

“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.

[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*

[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]

Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are

There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved

I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes

HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?

I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!

I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special

I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.

there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true

My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.

spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is

Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?

My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out

cop: did u see the speed limit sign

me: of course

cop:

me: but not u

I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.

She said Johnnie.

“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames

They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.

I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station

Computer: choose a password

Me: mysocks

Computer: confirm password

Me: mysocks

Computer: passwords do not match

It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar

If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you

After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.