That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
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You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad