That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
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My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.