That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
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HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Why don’t bikes stand up on their own?
Because they’re two tired
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
A refund is not enough, I need to be able to block restaurants on DoorDash.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?