That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
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My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
plant them where lol
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break