Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.

Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…

That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*

The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.

oh no, steve’s working tonight

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.

When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.

Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?

WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.

A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.

I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals

Recently I did this with a farmer.

ADVICE: DON’T

Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.

When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.

[doctors]

“How long have I got?”

“Not long. Two, three months”

[casually places apple on desk]

“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”

👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

Two rotisserie chickens.

One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.

The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.

Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..

I don’t need that kind of negative talk..

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach

me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds