That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
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If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
eggs benadryl
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend