Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.

In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.

My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?

Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.

Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!

My dad:

Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.

Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07

You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?

BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!

OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.

…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.

Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.

Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen

I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.

People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.

*about to die*

Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!

*life flashes before my eyes*

Me: Oh, right.

“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts

Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

ME: Can I taste your pancakes?

HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.

ME:

waiter: did you enjoy your meal

me: honestly not really

waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever

It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.

Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.

If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.

If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.

How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?

1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie

Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?

Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-

Him: *running away*

Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself

*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*