Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.

Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.

Him: I missed you

Me: I missed you too

*we both reload our duelling pistols*

Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.

Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”

Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”

*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.

“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”

-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.

They got Luigi out here like Hannibal Lecter, and the general public is still like, “WOULD”.

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city

Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…

Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH

aesthetic

Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*

Guy at next urinal: holy shit

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.

Got him!

ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing

[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…

My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her

My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.

Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.

It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.

Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf

[First Date]

No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.

[Second Date]

*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*