Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!

Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?

AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”

M: 😏

AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?

[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely

having a job is cool but everydayyy???

HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-

ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.

The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”

Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look

Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol

i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)

I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.

No one:

Absolutely no one:

Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume

Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.

Where do bad rainbows go?

To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14

Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.

My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training

Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?

Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?

Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.

Me: <send>

Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —

nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name

Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s

Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp

[at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground

I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.

“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code

“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”

Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.

10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.

Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?

The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.

Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.

Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.

hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?