That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
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YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
