That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
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One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ
“OMG HOW”
Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.