Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.

Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?

My wife told me she “likes it rough.”

So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.

-how guys understand women

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.

BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

Happy thanksgiving!

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay

I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.

My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.

*at the red lobster*

me: i will have the red lobster

waiter: okay

Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.

Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?

Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.

Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:

– Tweezers

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved

murder is like cilantro. you either love it or it tastes like soap.

*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby

ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!

Me: That tree is impeckable

“Don’t you mean impeccable?”

*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*

Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?

When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them

too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”

So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.

If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.

Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough

Satan: what

When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.

A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.