Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

I have a video appointment with my doctor.

I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over

did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,

Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.

When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.

My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.

publisher: tell me all about it

orwell: it’s about a farm

publisher: sounds good

orwell: with animals

publisher: naturally

orwell: and they’re fascists

publisher: of course

Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.

Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?

[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly

Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed

I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?

Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control

When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”

I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.

I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?

This guy is full of crap

-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse

I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.

Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps

OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!

~ My dog every time I use a broom

Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.

She laughed and laughed.

Apparently so hard, she got a headache.

RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?

god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean

angel: sounds fearsome

god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave

good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read

Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.

Darling

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks