That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
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Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
“YOU’RE GONNA GET THE HELL OVER HERE AND WATCH THIS CHRISTMAS MOVIE WITH US AS A FAMILY AND YOU’RE GONNA HAVE CHRISTMAS JOY!!”
– And other fun christmas things I say to my kids
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”