That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
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Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Just my luck I get a hypnotist with pink eye.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
I just love that new Pope smell.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich