That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
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[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.