That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”
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Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl