That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”
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I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations