That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”
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Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I have written yet another poem about laundry
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.