Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.

Alien: Take us to your leader.

America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?

We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.

all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭

I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.

Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.

If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.

Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.

Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?

Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.

I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.

Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…

My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.

Lol.

Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me

If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.

[Block Party]

Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.

Host: Just toss them on the fire.

[Later]

Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?

Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!

I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.

When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.

CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice

Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.

Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.

Fly wife: Notice anything?

Fly husband: …

Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut

Here, let me loosen those morals for you.

date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in

My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.

Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19

Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.

*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”

If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”

air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.