“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
You Might Also Like
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.