That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
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My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.