That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
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day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
adam and eve had first world problems
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997