That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
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Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away