That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
You Might Also Like
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Good morning
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Terribly Tuesday.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this