Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right

“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.

When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”

Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.

I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.

But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.

Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere

When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.

The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..

Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.

[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]

TSA agent: Good evening sir

Me: Nothing

Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.

Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.

For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.

Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”

horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts

I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.

His name is Dave.

She might be a genius

You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.

ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it

I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”

Overheard

Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.

“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters

spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?

I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.

[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]

Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?

Host: What’s your friend’s name?

Me: Wikipedia.

Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao