Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.

Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.

I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.

My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”

Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.

Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window

Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.

NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”

when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of

Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika

*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF

I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.

I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.

I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬

How actors in movies eat their food

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat dude.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza

My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.

I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.

Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.

waiting for my wife to approve my new year’s resolution of making independent decisions

If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.

If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar

Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries

“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”