Just got blocked by a longtime friend here and I’m trying to get over it
I’m over it
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
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*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Honey, look what I found on our son’s computer *opens folder of walkthroughs, wife starts sobbing* I’m calling the police
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
You can get a free carton of ice cream at the grocery store if you eat the whole thing before the cops show up.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
In hell all the ball pits are filled with legos.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one