That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
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Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.