@gellaray

That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.

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@tsm560

Just got blocked by a longtime friend here and I’m trying to get over it

I’m over it

@TheAlexNevil

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

@briangaar

Honey, look what I found on our son’s computer *opens folder of walkthroughs, wife starts sobbing* I’m calling the police

@DrDogMD

Cat: I think i have a rash.

Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.

@iRowlf

You can get a free carton of ice cream at the grocery store if you eat the whole thing before the cops show up.

@GrowlyGrego

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

@markydoodoo

[spelling bee]

Teacher: your word is forwards

Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one