Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

consequences, the bane of my existence

Drugs don’t ruin lives

Drug tests do

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.

My diet starts in January

of 2027

[IKEA-themed restaurant]

Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?

Watch Forrest Gump

*feel inspired

*toss orthotics out, go for jog

*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker

i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic

I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”

Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.

I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.

CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Buy presents.

2) Pretend you could afford it

3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.

Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.

What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander

One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!

Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]

Dog: You gonna eat that?

Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.

If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?

why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene

To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news

When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.

I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.

& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.

I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.

You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet.  I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.

Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

it’s the silliest best thing

guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that

Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.

I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing