Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.

14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?

Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”

do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch

I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.

Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.

Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”

Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name

glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack

glass half full: It’s only 6 days old

ME: hmm…tastes like chicken

MORTICIAN: get out

[Spills wine]

“My medicine!!”

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.

My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.

The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other

Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

me: i’ve started seeing someone

therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations

getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger

The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.

If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.

A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.

Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”

There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.

Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next

*Victorian letters to Santa*

My dearest Santa,

I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.

*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*

I would like an orange.

i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.