Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me

“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”

Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.

“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.

I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.

Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile

Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!

if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago

Well, that didn’t work.

I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”

Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…

it’s the thought that counts

Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.

Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.

holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV

MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo

“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”

“We’re still married, Grandma.”

“She’s such a lovely girl.”

I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday

Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.

There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”

[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

My husband never answers the phone when I need him!

When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.

SEND HELP!

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.

If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.