that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
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how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?