Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.

Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you

Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?

Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?

The captain was standing on the deck.

#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

I like my jims slim and my chances fat

*At the checkout

Cashier: How many croissants?

M: Four

*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.

M: Um six

I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.

It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.

Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.

HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.

… Nailed it!

Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild

My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.

I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.

“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend

Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.

I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.

Me: I’m so emotional today

8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.

Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday

[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*

°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND

An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!