Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.

for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie

Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?

Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this

I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.

*pogo stick inventor* I got you.

You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know

I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all

I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.

I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

[dinner negotiations]

Wife: where do you want to go to eat?

Me: ugh

Wife:

Me: you pick

Wife: I’m craving kale

Me: I’ll pick

Never ghost your hitman.

You: 2020 couldn’t get worse

Murder Hornet: Hold my venom

My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?

The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene

#dnd

I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!

interviewer: describe yourself in one word

me: great listener

My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.

My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!

ㅤ

I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.

You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread

– the inventor of croutons

The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.

if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math

I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda