That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
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I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Is this you?
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.