That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
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Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?