Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny

[first time trying standup]

Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-

*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT

Me: Please, mom, not now

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today

Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”

If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it

Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints

remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer

The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*

VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!

LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”

If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.

The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.

A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.

Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.

[later]

Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?

My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!

A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you

This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?

With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”

I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer

Ironic

My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.

Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE

Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.

waiter: is pepsi ok

pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok

try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane

its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer

I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.

Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”

My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.

Donut: ….

Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?

[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next