That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
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My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
They did not think through this water fountain
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.