Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table

Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two

Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

This might be the funniest tweet ever

If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”

Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?

I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.

SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

*My wife being frustrated by my kids*

Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?

8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?

I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving

Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.

That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.

Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.

People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.

Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.

[being 40]

fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job

me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –

FD: your body is only 38% recovered today

me: wtf

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story

All these gifts today better get me laid.

Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.

My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.

Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important

just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate

This took me a few seconds.. 😅

I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake