That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
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Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
What to do when threatened by a bear:
1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”