That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
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Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
So the ex texted me
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.