That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
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“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Google assistant rules
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.
Friend: Including you?
Me: Actually, scratch that idea.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
“FOUND ‘EM!”
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
when you are just born a rebel
