That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines
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Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Has science gone too far?
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?