That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines
You Might Also Like
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
can’t catch a break
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*