Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.

I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.

I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.

A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.

[Baseball game]

ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex

HIM: What? No, baseball came first

ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball

please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.

Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves

Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.

Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane

Me: I’m good

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds

My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.

[cute guy approaches at bar]

Him: Hey can I…

Me: [blushing] Yes?

Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.

Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?

Me: Ice cream

The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it

Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

Me: I don’t wanna

[months from now]

CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside

Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?

People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.

Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?

What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:

1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.

The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.

Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building

Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels

Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”