That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
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When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
me at the job i begged god for
constantly working on myself.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Huge, if true.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am