Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision

Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.

doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]

I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.

Therapy: Expensive

saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free

Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.

Middle age: Hold my beer.

Me: What?

*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*

LADY: MY JACKET!!!

ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.

STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.

My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.

Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?

Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.

Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.

(Creating Atheists)

God: Make some humans Sciencey

Angel: Will they believe in you?

God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!

You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.

I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.

Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…

Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!

Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?

Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful

Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!

Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy

My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!

Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE

Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.

I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.

*Gets left on read for hours*

Me: “I’m never talking to them again”

Them: *Finally replies*

Me:

the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy

Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!

I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.

DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir

When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.

Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.