‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
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Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
my sentiments exactly
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
when you let your kid brother name your custom player
