That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
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get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.