That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
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If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Legend 🤣🤣
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.