That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
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Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
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Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
live, laugh, laundry.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
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Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
j o i m p
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Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵