That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
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I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH