That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
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you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”