That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
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50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Cucumbers Anonymous
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun