That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
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Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Dear people who think every tweet is a “subtweet” about you,
IT’S NOT.
except for that one from earlier
maybe?
Regards,
Ry
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
😭😭😭
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks