That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
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On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
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honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing