Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What are your dogs’ names?”

Me: “Calvin and Klein.”

“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”

Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”

In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.

you: ant-man

me, an intellectual: uncle

I’ve been yelling for years.

Now I’m convinced.

I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.

Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time

When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.

How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?

I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.

Friend: Oh, OCD?

Me: Children.

*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them

wife: I’m having a baby.

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.

The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?

I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.

I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.

☠️

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called

[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen

Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.

I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.

Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.

911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?

Patient: I think so. I was asleep.

911: Any idea what set him off?

Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.

need someone to feed me Doritos while i read, so i don’t mess up the pages. no weirdos.

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’