that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
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Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human