Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trying on a camouflage jacket]

Me: how much is this

Store Clerk: how much is what

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.

“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist

“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”

Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

Noted.

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.

mom: please, please just go play with the other children

christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed

If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me

I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky

They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws

professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid

me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?

DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me

I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair

ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah

I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.

Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???

If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.

Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people

If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.

But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.

my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely

It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.

I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”

Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol

tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win

Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]

By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.