Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.

My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

doctor: we’ve had your results back

me: what’s it look like

doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on

The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.

can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way

them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg

me: try harder.

Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.

New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.

Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool

if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month

My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!

“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”

“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask

I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car

*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*

~ guys with ponytails

i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus

I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.

She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?

“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*

A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.

They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.

Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…

actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits

As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?

SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide

ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did

This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.

ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser