That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
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I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
selena gomez
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
#CatsOnTwitter
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.