That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
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All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
