Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow

What if a woman was Nunchucks?

– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating

I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.

I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet

Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science

Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.

I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.

If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.

therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.

They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.

[getting my license]

Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes

Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*

GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.

*Creating a new social media app*

“It’s good but will it divide people? If not then what’s the point.”

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!

Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.

6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)

Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next

Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.

I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan

jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.

– looking for shells on the north pole beach

Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.

My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.

10: “What are we doing today?

Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”

10: “Then what are we going to do?”

Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”

If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.