Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…

*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.

[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

She knows her part so well!

You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.

[getting arrested for public nudity]

Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD

Me: …

Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD

😏😏😏

me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”

Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges

I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.

mom: you’re grounded

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[20 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.

We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.

Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now

‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.

I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*

God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?

Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.

Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.

Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?

Me:

Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.

When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.

The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

*dangling legs in the ocean*

🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺