That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
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People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
😂🤣😂🤣
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2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
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My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
How did we not see this back then?
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Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!